Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
