Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
