It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
