I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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