My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
