i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
