Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
