I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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