im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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