Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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