So drunk, too bad you don't want this
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
