Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
