Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
