You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
