When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
