Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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