just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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