I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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