I wish I could teleport
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
