She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
