I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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