Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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