how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
