apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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