im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
This baby is an asshole
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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