There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
