just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
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