Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
