Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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