Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
