cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
