I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
