I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
If that was your dad, he is hot
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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