I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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