I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
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