Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
