I think my vagina is haunted
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
