I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
