how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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