You made me cry and you don't even care
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
