Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
