you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
