Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
