My first STD was from a foam party
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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