ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
