so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
