Swine flu. Run for my life!
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
