sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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