just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I am mentally ready for anal.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
