:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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