i permit you to call me
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
