I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Randomize
