Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
