her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
