On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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