I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
