there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
