They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
