I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
