Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
