You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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